I hate you but not really.

I don't really like the fact that I feel bad about myself when I walk by a pregnant woman, a woman pushing a stroller. It is either this reaction or me deciding I hate them. Not the hate hate but rather the female to female hate that happens more as a result of jealousy. You know, how you feel about your friend when they do something better than you or they just lost five pounds. Don't tell me you don't feel that way. Well, if you do you are a much better person than me.

However, these pregnant people and moms were maybe of the snug variety. I was in a very white, very rich area when I was walking to a restaurant and over heard a conversation while waiting to cross.

Pregnant lady with child: ..."It was very challenging with my second when it came to structured schedules."

Other pregnant lady:...

I stopped listening and pushed the walk button again. I was just hoping that the light would change and I tried to start a conversation with my husband and friend but it didn't work because my brain just wanted to listen to what these people behind us were saying.

Then I started humming a tune. I am not sure if this is normal behavior. I did know that if I listened to what these people were saying I would fall back into this pit of despair and harmful circular thought that I was in a few weeks back. It was so bad that I was trying to find a health care professional to help me. I was online trying to match up who takes my insurance with reviews on line. Then I thought, I really don't want to see someone who is in my community because it is not a big one and I don't want them to point and say, oh that is the lady who can't have kids and is going a bit nuts. I know they have some doctor patient confidentiality but that doesn't stop them from feeling sorry for you.

The light finally changed and I bolted across the street only to pass a pregnant woman followed by two kids. Really!? I bit greedy now aren't we.

We also passed two baby stores, we were in a very rich area filled with pretentious people who need to not shop a big box stores for their baby stuff.

I was very happy when we got out of there. I bet if and when I have kids I will be parking my stroller in the stroller parking zone at one of these stores and giving unsolicited baby advice on the street too. But until them I hate you but not really.