Thanksgiving Break

Involuntary Break I should say. Since Thursday everyone is off giving thanks I had to get my meds ordered and talk in with the doctor. Actually, she called yesterday night as a response to my crazy emails. I am not sure if that is a tactic that I should use on the regular because as much as I see it as a neurotic quirk, I am sure that it can become very annoying and fast. I will keep it in the back pocket for those times I really need to get her attention. In my defense I was wondering if we should cancel the cycle now before I order a lot of meds and have to cancel it after that.

I will be going in on Thursday to see if the expensive medicine I have been injecting into my stomach is doing anything. If it is not then we will have to cancel the cycle. (I am thinking I am glad I didn't go with the attain program, a program which they give you 3 fresh and frozen cycles and give some of your money back if it didn't work for the cost of 2 cycles. I read the fine print and if they cancel your cycle after you start the meds, it counts as one...)

I was surprised I didn't find that sinking feeling when I got off the phone with the doc. I was in the middle of making a pumpkin cheese cake and my filling was being carefully constructed in the kitchenaid mixer when I heard the phone ring. I had to switch to to low and go off and talk to my doctor. I heard 'meds aren't working', 'might have to cancel the cycle', 'I thought your AMH last time was just off but you are acting to meds like you have a low ovarian reserve', 'its unfair since it was good a few months ago', 'I wouldn't say you are out but I wouldn't expect 3 or 5 kids in the future','... donor egg but we aren't there yet.' I left the conversation thanking her and saying I guess we will have our fingers cross for the blood test and ultrasound on Friday...I hung up and slowly walked back to my kitchen. All was quiet except for the low hum of my mixer. My husband was staring at me waiting for me to tell him what the doctor said. After I while I did tell him.

I have ordered the meds, have been on a double dose of Menopur and we will see what happens. But today is thanksgiving and I guess I will begrudgingly be thankful.

Ahem. I am thankful for:

The health, happiness and support of my family (even though I won't be able to see them this holiday season since I have decided to get these treatments done)

My loving and caring husband and partner in life and this quest (he is doing his best and it is better than me)

My two little dogs (they are only 5 pounds each but give back tons of love and probably have done me a tremendous service these last few trying years that I can never repay)

We are financially okay... have a house and food.

I am also thankful that I haven't had that sinking feeling in my stomach I was plagued with the last few months. I feel it might be around the corner but at least its not here today.

That is a lot to be thankful for. I am not giving up. I remember making the decision to do this. I had 2 failed IUIs and 1 cancelled one under my belt. I knew it would take a lot of money and it might not even pan out. I was scared that if I try this and IVF fails, I would be out of options (well options that I have considered to this point I am sure there are other things that I might well look into when my options have been limited or removed) but I thought about the alternative... not trying it. Being me, I couldn't do that. I couldn't not try because there is a possibility. If (I hope when) I have a child all of this worrying and cost will not matter a bit... so here I am on the verge of finding out if these medications are not right for me and hopefully learning something from this possibly failed cycle.

So... not the best day.

The day started out well. Traffic was light on my way to the doctors appointment. Had an extra hour afterwards before I had to head back to work. That meant time to read, have a croissant and a bowl of hot chocolate. Then it went kinda down hill from there.

I went back to work and had a busy afternoon ahead of me. I left my phone in the office. I think it is tacky when my doctor answers their phone if I am the patient so I did the same. In hindsight, I should have just kept it with me.

My doctor made her post appointment call and my husband who has been super supportive and great during this whole process picked up the phone. He frantically wrote down everything the doctor said but while on the phone didn't process what he was told and therefore didn't ask any questions.

Running late for my next patient who was patiently waiting for me, I was able to speak with the nurse who told me that I needed to get more medication but since the Thanksgiving Holiday is right in the middle of IVF stimulation, I had a day in which nothing could be delivered so I had to order it today to be sure to get it in time or tomorrow at the latest but not all pharmacies would deliver it on time. Did I mention it was 4:30 PST? But I wasn't aware that the doctor had called. My husband told me later otherwise I would have asked the nurse my questions I had.

My husband wrote down that the doctor said I wasn't responding well with my 5/6 small follicles (5-6mm) on day 5 of stimulation. He wrote down that we will try doubling my dose of Menipur. He wrote down that we will see what happens in 3 days. He wrote down that we might need to cancel the IVF cycle.

He might not have had questions but I sure did. Was 5 or 6 follicles even enough? Should we just stop now and save ourselves the meds that will be used for the next few days. By the way, nothing is covered by insurance no meds no treatment so I am digging myself into a larger hole by the minute with an unforseeable opening from whence I came. I have to think about these things.

Could we downgrade to an IUI? I am pretty sure that answer is a NO but I wanted to know if that was on the table. They said because of my size, 2 at a time would be tricky and 3 would be a no no. I am pretty sure they would severely frown at 5.

Also my Right ovary was not to be seen anywhere and believe you me, we looked. I am pretty sure we should have seen it by the way the nurse was searching for it. We saw everything else.

I emailed my doctor twice tonight like a lunatic and am waiting. However, there is a silver lining on this pile of crap. I am not feeling that sinking sensation, nor have gone into a mental free fall with my horrble circular thought process. I think I have my anxiety/depression (which I self diagnosed) in check. Well, I am still nervous it might pop up again but at least today it is not reared its scary head.

So, it is 9pm and time for my shots with a twist.

Proof or not to have proof

Tomorrow is the first ultrasound after I started the medication injections. I am kind of excited to see what this medication has been doing to me. I haven't had too many side effects mild headache and mild bloating (I can pin it on this now instead of just munching on snacks) but no crazies setting in. I do have some proof that I have been injecting myself since I have little healing puncture wounds on my stomach and one bruise. I am not sure how I managed that. I think I was too excited and just started injecting where the wind took me. I should have been more methodical about it... right to left then start over at the most right spot. Now it is just a big mess. I was going to say I will do better next time but in all reality it would be best if there wasn't a next time and it worked this time.

I feel like I am in a good place mentally. I feel cautiously optimistic. Of course I say that now and the minute I get bad news I am probably going to throw up. But I feel like I am commited to this cause for the long haul so if this doesn't work we will take a mini break and get back on the horse.

But before any of that happens I have to go through day by day. My "right now" concern is that I hope this medication is working. I have a fear it is not working or maybe doing the wrong thing but all will be answered tomorrow. I just have to get through tonight. No need to worry about the future.

I was watching a documentary on PBS about a man who lived with turkeys (that sounded crazy when I was reading it) and he said something that hit the spot. "Don't betray the moment for some abstraction up ahead."

It was just what I needed to hear but I hope I listened as well.

I hate you but not really.

I don't really like the fact that I feel bad about myself when I walk by a pregnant woman, a woman pushing a stroller. It is either this reaction or me deciding I hate them. Not the hate hate but rather the female to female hate that happens more as a result of jealousy. You know, how you feel about your friend when they do something better than you or they just lost five pounds. Don't tell me you don't feel that way. Well, if you do you are a much better person than me.

However, these pregnant people and moms were maybe of the snug variety. I was in a very white, very rich area when I was walking to a restaurant and over heard a conversation while waiting to cross.

Pregnant lady with child: ..."It was very challenging with my second when it came to structured schedules."

Other pregnant lady:...

I stopped listening and pushed the walk button again. I was just hoping that the light would change and I tried to start a conversation with my husband and friend but it didn't work because my brain just wanted to listen to what these people behind us were saying.

Then I started humming a tune. I am not sure if this is normal behavior. I did know that if I listened to what these people were saying I would fall back into this pit of despair and harmful circular thought that I was in a few weeks back. It was so bad that I was trying to find a health care professional to help me. I was online trying to match up who takes my insurance with reviews on line. Then I thought, I really don't want to see someone who is in my community because it is not a big one and I don't want them to point and say, oh that is the lady who can't have kids and is going a bit nuts. I know they have some doctor patient confidentiality but that doesn't stop them from feeling sorry for you.

The light finally changed and I bolted across the street only to pass a pregnant woman followed by two kids. Really!? I bit greedy now aren't we.

We also passed two baby stores, we were in a very rich area filled with pretentious people who need to not shop a big box stores for their baby stuff.

I was very happy when we got out of there. I bet if and when I have kids I will be parking my stroller in the stroller parking zone at one of these stores and giving unsolicited baby advice on the street too. But until them I hate you but not really.

The begining of somewhere in the middle

Instead of antidepressants and anxiety I have decided to throw my thoughts out there in the wild wild Internet.

Just to catch you up to speed, I have been battling... no...dealing with... not very well...I guess you can say infertility has been happening to me.

I always wanted to write but never had anything emotionally wrenching happen to enkindle my creativity. I thought I could write but no one wants to hear of the tragedy that is the life of a happy girl who grew up in a happy household and somewhat in the suburbs. No abuse, no lack of opportunity, educated. I mean unless you count a moderate self image/weight issues (not obese but lets say size 8 to 1o) I had nothing to spark something that others wanted to read about.

Come to think of it I would trade this little problem in for a baby or two, but life threw me this card and I am going to trade in my Rx for (insert prescription drug of choice for anxiety and depression here) for some fuel for writing.